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1. Especially if you tend to be trigger-happy with your emotions, make an effort to defuse your anger right from the start: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and pray a quick, “Come, Holy Spirit!”
2. Assume the best about the other person’s motives, and don’t get defensive. “They’re out to get me!” is not an attitude that promotes healthy dialogue and honest airing of problems.
3. Listen carefully. Make sure you understand the issue. You might need to clarify it through statements like, “What I think you’re saying is ….”
4. Stay in the moment. No recriminations! No sentences that begin with “you never” and “you always”!
5. Present your views in a rational, polite manner. The occasional sincere expression of appreciation for the other person won’t hurt, either.
6. Don’t make statements that accuse; use “I” statements that describe your own reactions. Instead of, “You are so self-centered,” say, “When you tell me, ‘I need some space,’ I feel so anxious.”
7. If necessary, suggest taking a break. (This is different from storming out of the room.) You might say: “I want to keep working on this, but I need to think it through. Can we come back to it tomorrow?” Or—if it’s the other person who is out of control—”I love you and want to resolve this, but I can’t let you keep talking to me so disrespectfully. Can you calm down, or should we take a breather?”
(These suggestions, as well as additional help for conflict resolution, is from chapter eight of Gregory Popcak’s book, For Better … Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage).