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“Just say no.” The familiar statement to deter kids from using drugs has become my husband’s battle cry.
He adopted it soon after our wedding, when he realized I was one of those smiling, pushover people who couldn’t say no to an ice cream salesman in the North Pole.
My tendency developed when I was a child and took to heart the Franciscan Sisters’ instruction to be the Good Samaritan, to help those in need, and to lend an understanding ear. Now as an adult, I find it hard to deny anyone any request.
At church on Sunday, when the priest or deacon begins his emphatic request for more casseroles for the needy or help with the next spaghetti supper, it’s as if I hear them say my name at the beginning and end of each statement. When a works of mercy team is in the vestibule signing people up for their next event, I feel their eyes desperately requesting my assistance. When the phone rings and it’s a good cause—whether it’s to volunteer at my son’s school or to stuff envelopes for a mailing—I’m inclined to say yes, even if I have to fit in the task by writing sideways on my full calendar.
Feeling it’s my duty, I have rarely failed to offer assistance, no matter the cost to myself or my family. Considering I have a number of health problems, the cost can be quite high. Still, my thinking has gone: “But Jesus did so much for others, didn’t he? God has given me so much. I can’t refuse to give back, can I?”
What Would Jesus Do? I prayed that God would show me when to offer assistance and when to “just say no,” but I had difficulty hearing his answers. Then I started looking to the example of Jesus himself. I sifted through the Gospel readings until, one day, I found it: Jesus did say no!
It happened when he was confronted with a demand from some of the scribes and Pharisees who were “seeking a sign from heaven,” demanding that he work a special miracle. Jesus “sighed deeply in his spirit and said, ‘Why does this generation ask for a sign? Truly I tell you, no sign will be given to this generation’” (Mark 8:11-12).
Whether these questioners intended to trip him up or they really thought they needed to see even more proofs of his power, Jesus refused. Enough was enough.
Jesus could easily have worked just one more “sign” or miracle, I’m sure. And it wasn’t because he didn’t care that he said no. Quite simply, he knew he had done enough. Now it was time for others to do their part. For the scribes and Pharisees, that meant acting on what they had already seen Jesus do by recognizing him as the Messiah and putting their faith in him.
Finding Freedom to Choose. Here was my answer! Sometimes things that need doing are best left to others. In fact, trying to do and be everything for other people is unfair to them, as well as to myself. It may be robbing them of the opportunity to grow and to explore their faith. In a sense, it may even be denying God. Isn’t this what happens when we try to undertake every task on our own, as if we and not God were ultimately responsible for overseeing everything?
Now that I know there is a time to say yes and a time to say no, I’m a little slower at committing myself. And although I can’t eliminate all spur-of-the-moment requests, I consider them more carefully. I take a little time to sit down with a picture of Jesus and my calendar and ask, “Are my actions best for me? For my family? For others?”
And sometimes I do say no.
Vicky Galczynski lives in Jarrettsville, Maryland. She and her husband, Paul, have two young sons.