7 Rules for Fighting the Good Fight

Try these problem-solving approaches next you’re on the brink of an explosive encounter with your spouse or even an adult child.

1. Especially if you tend to be trigger-happy with your emotions, make an effort to defuse your anger right from the start: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and pray a quick, “Come, Holy Spirit!”

2. Assume the best about the other person’s motives, and don’t get defensive. “They’re out to get me!” is not an attitude that promotes healthy dialogue and honest airing of problems.

3. Listen carefully. Make sure you understand the issue. You might need to clarify it through statements like, “What I think you’re saying is ….”

4. Stay in the moment. No recriminations! No sentences that begin with “you never” and “you always”!

5. Present your views in a rational, polite manner. The occasional sincere expression of appreciation for the other person won’t hurt, either.

6. Don’t make statements that accuse; use “I” statements that describe your own reactions. Instead of, “You are so self-centered,” say, “When you tell me, ‘I need some space,’ I feel so anxious.”

7. If necessary, suggest taking a break. (This is different from…

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