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When I celebrate baptisms, I love to ask for the help of a child in the congregation, preferably an older sibling of the baby being baptized.
I ask, “Have your parents taught you how to do anything?” The reply is usually a “yes” or maybe just a nod. Then I ask, “What have they taught you to do?” Typical answers are “how to make a bed” and “how to tie my shoes” and “how to catch a baseball.”
My next question is, “How did your parents teach you this? Did they just tell you how to do it, or did they do it with you a few times to show you how?” The child’s answer usually sums up the message I want to communicate: Children learn by example.
This theme of my baptismal homily is what I keep returning to whenever I am asked what parents can do to help their children appreciate the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation: The most important thing is for you yourselves to celebrate Reconciliation on a regular basis. Of course, this depends in large part on how you view the sacrament.
A Gift, Not a Burden. Perhaps some of you experienced Reconciliation as a burden in years past. You may have memories of being forced to go to confession on Saturday mornings—and having to invent a list of sins because you couldn’t think of anything to say. The notion was that frequent confession was a safeguard against losing our souls through inadvertent mortal sin.
It’s safe to say that most Catholics no longer live in terror of accidentally falling into mortal sin. This change certainly has a positive side. On the down side, though, is the potential loss of any sense of sin’s seriousness. Without that, how can we grasp the importance of asking God to be for-given and reconciled with him and the church?
I am not suggesting that we view confession primarily as a duty. In fact, when people ask me why Catholics have to go to confession, I usually reply that they’re asking the wrong question. The better ques-tion is: Why does God love us so much that he gives us the gift of knowing ourselves to be forgiven through the Sacrament of Reconciliation?
Yes, we are obliged to receive this sacrament if we are conscious of mortal sin. In any event, it is good to receive it frequently. First and foremost, however, Reconciliation is a gift!
John’s Gospel tells us that the first gift of the risen Christ was the Holy Spirit, who brought peace and forgiveness: “Peace be with you,” Jesus said to the disciples who were huddled behind locked doors. “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained” (John 20:21-23). And as Matthew points out, the reason for Jesus’ passion, death, and resurrection is the forgiveness of sins (Matthew 26:28).
This means that the forgiveness we are offered in the Sacrament of Reconciliation flows from God’s greatest gift to humankind—his only Son (John 3:16). Once we see this, we can begin to experi-ence Reconciliation as a joy, and then communicate this attitude to our children.
Make It Joyful. On a practical level, parents can help their children by teaching them how to prepare for a good confession—neither treating sin too lightly (being lax) nor too fearfully (being scrupulous).
Show them how to do this by reviewing the Ten Commandments. As you do, take a look at the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which provides a very serious reflection on the way the church understands the Ten Commandments in light of Jesus’ teaching and the church’s tradition. You may also find it helpful to browse Catholic bookstores and Web sites for examinations of conscience geared to children and young people of various ages.
Then, on a regular basis—perhaps once or twice each month—try going to church together as a family to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Follow up by doing something to celebrate together, like eating out or renting a family movie for the evening. Try to make the whole experience of penance a joyful one for the children.
It’s All about Freedom. What about older children who refuse to go to confession? Should parents force them?
As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” This sacrament is all about freedom—there are hardly any activities in life that would make less sense if force were applied.
You can encourage your children. You can even make them accompany you to church on the day you are going to Confession. But no way can you force your teens into the confessional. If you were somehow to succeed, it would not be a good confession anyway, because they were not free.
The prodigal son was able to experience the awesome joy of the Father’s forgiveness only because he freely went to his father (Luke 15:11-32). Everything that parents do for their children should prepare them to experience this joy, but the children have to seek it for themselves freely.
Small “R” Reconciliation. Finally, if the Sacrament of Reconciliation is to be meaningful to children, the idea of reconciliation needs to be expressed and lived out at home, in the context of family relationships. The old line from the movie Love Story—“Love means never having to say you’re sorry”—is dead wrong!
Children who see that their parents are able to apologize for the little and big hurts of daily life; children who learn, by watching their parents, how to give and receive forgiveness—these are the children who are most likely to appreciate what the Sacrament of Reconciliation means. And chances are, they will be excited about celebrating it.
Fr. Alfredo Hernandez, STL, is a priest in the Diocese of Palm Beach, Florida, and serves as pastor of St. Juliana Church in West Palm Beach.