Uncovering the Root

How Bob and Jan overcame the patterns that were dooming their marriage

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Bob and Jan (all names have been changed) had four children and a thirty-year marriage that was low on emotional intimacy and communication. Both were extremely lonely.

While surfing the Internet on their home computer, Bob happened on a chat room. It was the beginning of an online affair with a woman named Linda. When the two arranged to meet during one of Bob’s business trips, the affair became sexual.

Jan learned about the affair when she discovered their e-mails. Feeling severely hurt and angry, she confronted Bob. He confessed, admitted he had done wrong, and broke off the relationship. But the damage had been done. After many intense arguments and a one-month separation, Bob called my office to schedule an appointment. He still loved Jan and wanted to save their marriage, he said. Jan wasn’t so sure.

Legacies. As I met individually with Jan and Bob, it became clear that their marriage was being undermined by relationship patterns they had learned in childhood.

Jan grew up…

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