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We live near the ocean. In our part of the world, residents of coastal communities don’t have to worry much about tsunamis. Our concern is erosion.
The tides come in and out, but the sand that goes out with them does not come back in to the same level. Consequently, if your house is on the beach, you may find the ocean creeping closer and closer as time goes by. The beautiful ocean view becomes threatening if too much erosion takes place!
Marriages sometimes experience erosion too. Little behaviors that wear away at the relationship build up. The love you hoped would grow stronger seems to diminish. Consider the following cases, drawn from the experiences of people we have known or worked with.
When Love Ebbs. Bill and Susie had been married only a year when their first child was born. Bill was a student, so he didn’t have time to help out much with the baby. By the time the second child arrived, they had gotten into a pattern. The baby was Susie’s job, even though she now had two little ones to take care of. Bill didn’t see that he should be carrying more of the weight for the family, and Susie resented his attitude. She kept her bad feelings to herself but communicated her unhappiness indirectly by adopting a nagging, scolding way of relating to Bill.
Donna and Pete both worked. They enjoyed their weekends together, but Pete’s company downsized and he began working a lot more hours. Donna compensated for his absence by shopping. She began to hide some of her purchases and credit card bills. After all, she reasoned, she could pay for them out of her salary. Pete didn’t have to know everything she did when he wasn’t around.
Chris and Ella shared a love of the outdoors. They roller-bladed, skated, biked, and hiked. When they started having children, they just bundled them up and took them along. As their family grew older, though, Chris and Ella got so busy with their kids’ activities that they stopped spending time with one another. This bothered Ella, so she made opportunities to invite Chris to do one of the things they used to enjoy. If he heard her at all, he usually replied that he wanted to stay home and watch TV. He was tired and just wanted to relax, he said.
These stories represent signs of erosion in marriage. While these couples are not in divorce court or experiencing abusive behaviors, huge breaches of trust, or other serious problems, they are disillusioned and perhaps headed for trouble.
Make a Few Changes. Ordinary everyday actions build up into habits that cause wear and tear on a marriage. This is just in the nature of things, not necessarily because of bad will on anyone’s part. If your car is on a hill and youíre not putting on the brake or giving it some gas, it is likely to roll backward. In a marriage, the brake needs to be on the bad habits; you step on the gas by making positive moves to improve the quality of your relationship.
Just as small changes can erode your happiness, other small changes can improve your marriage. Here are a few suggestions to consider.
1. Institute a “stress-free” zone. Set aside a place where problems are not discussed. For many couples, the bedroom is the most logical and important place to keep stress free. Keep discussions about finances, relationship difficulties, family conflicts, and other stressful topics out of the bedroom.
While you’re at it, consider making the dining room table a stress-free zone as well. Don’t let dinnertime be the occasion for talking to your children about bad grades, missed curfews, lost bikes, or other problems. Deal with those issues elsewhere, and keep dinnertime conversation relaxed and lighthearted. The dinner table is the eucharist of the home. Bring the love of Christ for his people to the interactions of your family at dinner. Itís the way you make your children look forward to being there.
2. Identify and learn to speak your spouse’s love language. We once heard a story of a husband who wrote I love you in the dust on the coffee table. It seems unlikely that his wife felt loved by his gesture! But how do you communicate love? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, gave us all a great gift when he alerted us to the fact that we don’t all hear love you in the same way. As he pointed out, love is communicated through five different languages: time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.
If your spouse wants you to spend time with him or her, then spending money on them will not say I love you in the most effective way. In our own marriage, one of us loves being complimented, while the other especially appreciates it when love is expressed in practical ways that do something to help out. Our children know that we cherish the time they spend with us.
So which love language does your spouse prefer? Pay attention, and see how to best offer the love you have to give.
3. Decide to be honest with your spouse. If you have gotten in the habit of telling lies or hiding some things, turn that around. Lies and secrets are bound to erode a relationship.
Next time you are tempted to be secretive or to make something up, challenge yourself to tell the truth. If your spouse asks, Did you pay the electric bill? and you haven’t, don’t say you did and then rush off to make the payment. Tell the truth, ask forgiveness if appropriate, say you’ll pay it, and then do it. By doing what may look like a small thing, you will be restoring the firm foundation to your marriage.
4. Work to increase the respect you show your spouse. Speak in a polite voice. Act in a pleasant way, as you would toward someone who was not a family member. Think about God’s special love for your wife or husband and ask God for a renewed share in it.
Respect is one of those things that can grow just from changing your behavior. Though you may not feel particularly respectful at first, treating your spouse with respect changes the way you see him or her. It can also increase your spouse’s desire to deserve your respect and may very well prompt a respectful response.
5. Nurture your faith life together. Add a prayer to your daily schedule where you don’t now have one. Do you say grace before your evening meal? Maybe you can also say a prayer in the morning together to ask God to be with you through the day. This may require setting the alarm a few minutes earlier, but it will allow you to get up in harmony with God and one another.
Believe in God’s power to heal and renew your life together! Through the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage, Christ is with you in a special way. Don’t hesitate to come before him and receive all that he has for you.
6. Learn to communicate your concerns. If your relationship feels blah, then tell your spouse what you’ve noticed, and express your desire to work together on making improvements. But bring up the subject in a sensitive way, without accusing and making it seem that your spouse is to blame. Consider your relationship as belonging to the two of you, and the erosion as something for both of you to work on. God knows, keeping a relationship healthy is more than enough work to keep two people busy!
But what if only one of you sees the erosion? What can one spouse do if the other is satisfied with how things are? The truth is that you cannot make another person see things the way you see them, and you cannot make another person change. So work on what you can from your side, and let the Lord carry you as you do. If you change, you will change the dynamic of the marriage, and your spouse will have to respond in some way.
Seek God’s Anti-Erosion Plan. Just north of where we live, there is a place where the ocean meets a tidal river. It’s unusual because it shows a kind of economy that’s rare in nature. The sand is pulled from the ocean side by the tides, and somehow manages to build up on the beach of the river side. After a while it reverses, and the sand ends up back on the ocean beach.
This is such a hopeful image for marriage! Though our homes and relationships are also subject to the inevitable eroding forces of everyday life, this does not necessarily mean that they are in serious danger. We have the ability to change the course of erosion and bring back the love, joy, fun, truthfulness, or whatever else may have slipped away a bit. Seek the Lord’s help for this, knowing that God loves you and wants your marriage to be strong and happy. In humility, ask him to take your hands and lead you toward the kind of marriage he has in mind for you.
Wherever you are in your marriage now, know that there is always room for growth and that small changes can bring about great results. Let go of old behaviors that may be weakening your marriage, and embrace new habits to strengthen it. Both your marriage and family life will benefit from your anti-erosion campaign.
Steve and Kathy Beirne publish Foundations Newsletter: www.foundationsnewsletter.com. They are longtime members of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. They live in Portland, Maine, and have seven children.
Online Resources
Marriage Encounter, the granddaddy of marriage enrichment programs in the U.S., has two expressions and online sites, each with its own strengths: www.marriage-encounter.org and www.wwme.org
The National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers helps couples to contact marriage and family life resources in their area: www.nacflm.org
Smart Marriages, an organization founded about ten years ago, brings together scholars, therapists, clergy, educators, and others interested in improving marriages and slowing down divorce rates. Its Web site offers a wide array of information about how couples can enrich and deepen their marital relationship: www.smartmarriages.com
For information about the work of Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: www.fivelovelanguages.com